In the Daily Mail Manchester United are in a funk over Danish "goalkeeping sensation" Anders Lindegaard, who is 26 and plays for Aalesunds in Norway. Liverpool, Arsenal and Milan have previously expressed an interest. Lindegaard has been playing properly for only about a year. United are also pawing lasciviously at the skirts of the Uruguayan right-back Bruno Montelongo, who is on loan at Milan from River Plate and valued at £7m.
Florent Malouda has promised to stay at Chelsea until 2014, and then go and play in Brazil. "I'd get a real thrill from playing in the country for a club like Flamengo or Vasco da Gama," he swooned, picturing himself running out in front of 400 people inside a vast concrete bowl to compete for the prestigious regional Rio state Golden Ironing Board. Mooching goal-fumbler Roman Pavlyuchenko has "vowed" to stay at White Hart Lane and "fight" for his future. "To be honest, in the last year when I didn't play much I had thoughts about returning to Russia. Now I do not want to move back," Pavlyuchenko shrugged, frowning vaguely before becoming distracted by the sight of his own shoes and staring at them for a bit and then completely forgetting what it was he'd just said and thinking instead, hey, maybe he should go back to Russia.
Bolton's record signing, Johan Elmander, is about to be "rewarded with a new deal". And Leeds are pondering a move for the 23-year-old Sierra Leone striker Ishmail Kamara of chip-stinking pit turned fashionable ironic artsy seaside chip-stinking pit Margate.
In the Mirror, Stoke and Bayern Munich are about to enter into an unlikely "£8m battle" for Wigan wing-scuttler Charles N'Zogbia.
Sven-Goran Eriksson has been given a "£10m war chest". "I was asked by the owners, 'how much money do you want?" Eriksson explained, taking a break from being pushed around the streets of Leicester inside a wheelbarrow full of bank notes while a hired retainer uses a funnel to force-feed high denomination currency directly down his throat and into his engorged intestines.
Raven-haired Hollywood movie beauty Milan Jovanovic has promised not to leave Liverpool, Michael Essien is staying at Chelsea and Ryan Giggs doesn't want to manage Wales.
On Goal.com Diego Forlán has told Marca that he wouldn't mind coming back to England one day. "If the club got too good an offer, which has not arrived, I may decide to stay or leave, and I would consider it," he said, not really saying anything at all. Steve Bruce is in a froth over the Almeria striker Kalu Uche, who would cost £5m. And rumour-favourite Sergio Agüero is in talks to sign a new contract to sit on the bench quite a lot at Atlético Madrid. Chelsea and Manchester City will be disappointed.
There is more sensational salacious soaraway soccer shame in this morning's Sun, which has an EXCLUSIVE: top footballer and manager get cross with each other at half-time. Then make up later. And ultimately win game. On this occasion – surely the first in the 130-year history of league football – the shamed aces involved are Roberto Mancini and chunky Carlos Tevez who said bad words at half-time during the win against Newcastle.
"Mancini was heard screaming: "Go **** your mother" before ordering the striker to shut up because he was the boss… Mancini then made the mother insult and Argentina star Tevez leapt up and confronted his boss, who in turn charged towards the player. City team-mates and staff grappled to keep the pair from thumping one another… The Italian then stormed out of the dressing room into the tunnel. Tevez followed and later they shook hands after the player was subbed."
Amazing scenes. The Mill will never look at an adult involved in a passionately committed professional contact sport in quite the same light.
Mark Schwarzer may yet still leave Fulham for Arsenal in the next transfer window. "A lot can happen between now and January. What will be will be," he said yesterday, pulling the sleeves of his simple brown smock tight around his shoulders and frowning into the entrails of a dissected rabbit. And Robert Pires, now 36 and without a club, is being allowed to train with Arsenal but it doesn't mean anything and he's just totally fine with that.
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